Let's face it, very few people actually like going to the gym. There are people who claim they enjoy the "rush", the "buzz", the "routine", the "chance to ogle fit men in tight shorts". These people are liars. Plenty of people enjoy exercising, I myself used to kill it on the hockey field (literally. I once kicked a girl in the face. Acidentally, you understand, and her parents could totally afford the reconstructive surgery she may have needed). However, nobody likes the gym.
The usual reasons for disliking the gym are things like "it's BOOOORING" or "it's too faaaaar awaaaaay" or "I have to go rather than watch Made in Chelsea or have a social life" or "I've been a gym goer for three months now and don't seem to be any fitter" (reaches for cream cake). While all these things are to an extent true, I have decided to make a list of all the things specifically I hate about going.
1) I cannot complain that my gym is too far away; it is about 10 minutes walking at my snail-on-a-glacier speed, so going really isn't an issue. What is, however, is that on my way I have to pass a cafe called Breakfast, Brunch and Lunch which puts blackboard signs on both sides of the road so there is no ecape. Their main crime? Advertising the Filled Roll of the Day which is inevitably either Fried Egg, Fried Bacon or Fried Black Pudding (and one memorable day, all three). I love all three. I love them with a passion that is intense and bordering on the insane. Therefore you can understand why walking past such signs makes me weep and die inside.
2) Girly as it sounds, my hair. I struggle, struggle with my hair. It is thick and oddly poodle-like and while people often compliment its "mirror shine" or "glossy thickness", that only happens when I have spent many hours with hairdryer, Babyliss Big Hair, GHDs and the whole Percy & Reed haircare collection. You can imagine, then, that when I have a good hair day, it is a good day indeed. However, the gym destroys my hair. The combination of sweat, humidity and furious movement renders me flat on top and giant at the sides; sort of the ultimate hat hair hell but without a hat. I actually have to schedule gym visits for when I know my hair will look like crap (usually Day Three Hair when it could grease a wok), and that is very, very frustrating.
3) The Weights Room. I would very much like to lose weight all over and tone up completely, but one area I need to work on is my arms. They are overly flabby at the top and look something out of the Family Guy episode featuring Star Jones when her upper arms become wings and she takes off (I will try to find a link). Therefore I really wanted to do some weight work at the gym, to end up with lovely slim arms and better upper body strength. However, the weights section is always filled with men. Big, muscly, sweaty, scary men who bench press (what does that even mean)? 1000lbs easily and make screamy grunting noises while they use the rowing machines and judge me when I don't know how to use the equipment. And I can't ask any of them about how to use it because from their super-strength they all look like steroids have melted their brains anyway.
4) The creepy old men. So I was having a drink of water and a sit down (read - downing pints and collapsing with the effort) after my cycle and looked up to see a great pair of legs. And then an excellent bottom. Toned back. Quite tanned. And then.... a head of white hair and a giant bushy beard. Swear to God, the guy was about 70. I did not feel well at all after that, and he is not the only one; they are everywhere. I have nothing against the elderly exercising, it is very impressive. I just don't like them sneak-attacking me when I am low on fluids and therefore vulnerable.....
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